[i actually started writing this out last night so it falls under the scheduling category of "Sunday: Nice Things", as in something random i just had to post]
no more than 15min after i arrive home, my mama finds me sobbing on the floor of our kitchen.
i have to spill my guts to her.
*rewind: friday night i walk into the house after my 2hr drive from school. my puppy dog jumps on me, tail wagging, tongue out. my mom is sitting on the living room couch and is quieter than usual but happy to see me. my dad warned me that this had been a rough week for her.
i begin noticing the old newspapers littering the room. on my way to the restroom i see the kitchen dirty with old plates and a coupla pizza boxes on the counter.
returning to the living room i find that my dad is home, now sitting with my mom. just as i begin looking forward to one of my mom's yummy home cooked meals, the 'rents ask me what i want from arby's. great, fast food- something no one in my family needs any more of.
tearing up, i slip away to the kitchen. this house seems to be reflecting what i feared my family's trapped by: personal apathy. a real mess. depression. shame.
my heart breaks, praying and longing for my parents and brother to be healed by Jesus.
i also feel guilt for being able to escape this, living a few hours away in my nice clean dorm surrounded by friends, having Jesus to help me through everything.
so i tell my mom why i'm crying. she reminds me that the house is a mess and she isn't feeling well because she had major knee surgery last week.
so she hasn't just given up on...everything. relief streams through me- the situation isn't so bleak.
**fast forward to saturday afternoon: my dad and i are driving through Maryvale- the ghetto neighborhood where we both grew up- on the way to visit more family. he always gets nostalgic around here.
so i had to ask:
*did my 'Catholic' grandma actually go to church?
dad: she did- she did all those sacrements. but no, not after she got married. [my heart sinks]
dad: but she did pray every night. and your grandpa didn't like churches, but i know he believed in God. and he was always kind to others, he would do anything for a complete stranger. and us kids went to Sunday school sometimes, with our friends and we chose whether we wanted to go. but i just wanted to play....i wonder what church i'll be going to, you know, when you become a minister.
"As in water face reflects face,
So a man's heart reveals the man" Proverbs 27:19
God knows people's hearts; this comforts me. He provides hope, and after the dark weekend my hope for my family has been renewed.